Mom Guilt

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The mom guilt is really real this morning. My kids havee been back full-time in daycare for 3 full weeks now. Thanks to the generosity of the preschool, I have been able to attend the first 14 of my 30 daily radiations without worrying about finding a sitter/ breaking the bank.  But, they’re burnt out, I’m burnt out. It’s an arduous process

My work schedule is strange today. My first client isn’t until 4pm and I’ll be done with radiation by 10am.  Do I go pick them up early, run them around town, find a babysitter for an hour between when I go to work and Logan gets off? OR… do I take a “self-indulgent” rest (post cancer treatment), knowing they’re safe, they’re happy, and they’re not seeing me sick and stressed.

I mean the answer sounds obvious, even ridiculous to call post-treatment rest “self-indulgent”. But sometimes, as a parent, I feel like if I’m not sacrificing every moment, am I doing my best? When did parenthood become this me OR them expectation?

It FEELS like their lives are better when they can see me. Maybe it’s not though. Maybe their lives are better when they see me well, rested and relaxed.

I know cancer treatment is temporary, I know in the New Year none of us will be hustling like this anymore. But it’s so hard to drop them off, stage 5 clinging, tears in their eyes, wondering if I’m doing the right thing.

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